Jackass
by Geek
Summary: I don't really know what would happen if wizards watched Jackass, but I try to imagine. First chapter: Not much, gets better


Dans, dans, dans oppå bore, legg dæ ne, få se dæ, dans, dans, utadæsjælopplevelse, på gølve.  
  
If that didn't scare you off from reading this, way to go!  
  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨  
  
Hello. I have no vocal cords. I wrecked them smoking... No, not really. It was this spell that went wrong, and there's no counter-curse, so I'm kinda stuck... I have no problem making myself understood, but sometimes when my friends start screaming "Jackass!!!" at the top of their lounges, wanting to do something painful to me, I have great trouble making them understand that I really don't want to do any of those stunts.  
  
In the wizarding world, being a muggle-born Jackass-fan is very fatal, even more fatal than in the muggle world. Believe me, I would know. I have muggle friends too.  
  
I'm very ordinary, completely normal, if you can try to forget the fact that I'm a wizard. You could only imagine my surprise when I got that letter-thing. Apparently it's in my blood and my great, great grandfather or something like that, was a half-blood.  
  
I am 15 years old with dark brown hair and aqua-blue eyes. The girls find me cute, but they normally back off a bit when they find out how I usually act towards girls. I'm mean to give you the light, censured version. It's just that I have three older sisters, and they're mean to me, so I'm mean to them... They always go off crying to mom just because I did something totally innocent like stealing their bras and stuff. Weird... And the worst thing is, I can't lie because I can't speak!  
  
Ok, so I may be a little childish sometimes, but mostly I can behave. Oooh, behave... Yes, I took that out of the Austin Powers movies. They rock! You know what else that rocks? Greenday!  
  
Ok, enough about that... The name's Liam, by the way. Right now, in this story, I'm sitting on the train that's taking me to Hogwarts. I have my three best friends with me, my fellow Gryffindors. There's Colin Creevy, a muggle-born that loves to take photos of Harry Potter. Then, there's Godric Goldenwell, a pureblood, named after that Gryffindor guy. The third one is Dick Dickson, but everyone calls him dick-head, the poor guy. The fourth and final member is actually a girl, Noelle Nova, a real tomboy who's really the worst of us when it comes to doing crazy Jackass-stunts. She's also immensely perverted for a girl. Right now, she's lying on the floor, faking to have an orgasm. Just to inform us how it looks, in case we get that far this year. Hey, if we ask, maybe she'll allow us to try it out with her.  
  
"Anyone want to go attack Slytherins?" Dick askes us with a demonic grin plastered on his face.  
  
"Remember last year? When Malfoy almost sued Noelle for sexual harassment?" Godric laughes, eyeing Noelle.  
  
"I can't help it! He's hot, and I'm a teenager!" she bursts out, being the most serious she can be.  
  
Noelle is pretty all right, really. But when she grabs a guy in the bum and starts to throw dirty comments at him, he has to react in some way, right? She had to go see Prof. McGonagall and Snape to get it all sorted out. They deducted fifty points for it! She was bloody pissed afterwards and was this massive bitch for weeks after. She went back to being herself after a while. She's not ugly either. She's that normal blonde type with blonde hair and blue eyes. I'd love to be in Malfoy's shoes.  
  
"That's not really an excuse, Noelle. You won't take no for an answer when it comes to that guy!" Dick says.  
  
"Well, it's all he says, so I don't see how it can count for an answer..." Noelle grins evilly.  
  
I tried to ask them if we should take our plan into action. Luckily, Godric understood and told the others. I'm not good at using sign language; actually, I haven't studied it much. I use notes and my own, private signs that I made up with my friends.  
  
I lost my voice in my second year when a guy called Neville Longbottom was supposed to help me with my charms. That's a mistake I'll regret for life... They haven't found a cure yet, but maybe this year. All I have is hope.  
  
I follow the gang outside and into the hall. They're throwing themselves at the walls, hoping that people will find it annoying. Ops... Poor Noelle... That door wasn't even shut! She's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box... Oh, but look who she landed on...  
  
"Ops, sorry Hun" she smirks at the blonde boy she's now sitting on. I think she did it on purpose, that would be just like her. Dick is in cramps of laughter, Godric is obviously very shocked and is not doing a very good job hiding it. Me? I'm standing in the background, laughing. Not exactly laughing, I can't laugh, but I'm thinking about laughing.  
  
Malfoy looks pretty angry... He brutally shoves Noelle off and gets up. Noelle gets up too and gives him a kiss on the cheek. That pisses was the last drop... We better get out of here before Malfoy starts cursing us.  
  
We run, laughing, away from the scene. Back at our compartment, we can relax. If only the Slytherins won't follow us! Dick, brave, as always, is the first to reach our sanctuary. He sits down and starts on about how red Malfoy was. I think it was purely out of anger. I also think that Noelle should watch her back this year. If that raging bull Malfoy gets his hands on her with no one else around, I don't want to think about what he could do to her. I don't know why she picked him out as her victim in the first place. She knew how dangerous he could be. Maybe she likes it?  
  
It's been an hour, and, surprisingly enough, I'm bored. Dick is sleeping, Godric is staring out of the window, and Noelle is trying to hold her hand over a lighter for as long as possible, and Colin is taking pictures of all of us. I want action...  
  
"Hello, little Gryffindors" a voice drawls. Wish I didn't wish for action...  
  
It's that Malfoy, standing in the doorway, which, we forgot to shut. Noelle hasn't put down the lighter and without noticing, she just got a first- degree burn in her palm. She lets out a little cry of pain and drops the lighter. Malfoy smirks at the whole thing, he would, the bastard.  
  
"Aww, did you burn your hand?" he smirks in at Noelle who is examining her palm. She ignores him and her turns even more angry.  
  
Dick has just woken up. He stares at Malfoy with sleepy, though angry eyes. Colin is trying to hide behind Godric, who is trying to hide behind Noelle, who isn't doing anything but breathing. She finally looks up from her sore palm and directs both blue eyes at her victim.  
  
"What do you want, exactly?" she asks, completely cool.  
  
"I would very much want you to promise to leave me alone," Malfoy, almost friendly, replies.  
  
"You're the bit of the cry-baby, aren't you?" Noelle smirks in return.  
  
"Look, I think you've made your point. I would very much appreciate it if you would cool it down, at least" Malfoy says, sounding mature.  
  
Noelle is hesitating. I don't think she was expecting this.  
  
"Ok," she finally says, "since you're being so... mature about this, I'll cool it down."  
  
Now, it's my turn to be surprised. I didn't see that one coming. Noelle actually sounded to be her own age!!! 


End file.
